Yep, the title of this blog entry comes to us from the opening voice-over narration of Fender Tremolo (I shit you not that's his name)-the monstrously grotesque villain played by Vincent Klyn in "Cyborg". "Cyborg" is a Golan-Globus produced Mad Max rip off starring Jean Claude Van Damme.
Two common features of movies that suck are: severely below-average performances from the cast of characters; and 90% of its narrative conveyed in the form of awkward flashback sequences. Both of these indicative characteristics are blatantly observable in Albert Pyun's "Cyborg."Indeed, this movie probably sucks when broken down and analyzed critically. It also has enough gratuitous violence to make Tipper Gore's head spin for all eternity, however there's really something happening on screen that somehow managed to hold my attention from start to finish. It must have been the the high quality fight scenes which are incredibly well executed and paced such that you get one an average of every five minutes. Naturally, this film belongs beyond the boundaries of traditional smug analytical criticism. Why? Well, let me make the argument that "Cyborg" functions as an exploitation film rather than a regular movie and should not be judged based on what we judge regular movies by. It should be judged on the quality of what its exploiting. I will also argue that Golan and Globus are the greatest non-traditional exploitation wizards of the 80's (even though no one would really conceive of Golan and Globus as much more than two entrepenuers from the 80's that hardly anyone gives a shit about now or then.)
Concerning its fight scenes (the factor of exploitation that it generously offers), it is indeed a kind of exploitation film in its own right. Not in the traditional sense of say, "Olga's Girls" or "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS", but it essentially displays the same features of an exploitation flick. It serves as a prime example of what we shall call stuntsploitation for all intensive purposes. The plot, characters, acting, soundtrack etc. are all put forth posterior to the pretty jaw dropping stunts just as the plot, characters, acting, soundtrack etc. are all mere secondary vehicles for massive amounts of nudity, fetishism and violence in the above mentioned seminal exploitation classics.
The plot, just to reveal how secondary it really is, is as follows: It is the post-apocalypse set somewhere in America. There is a plague. A female cyborg contains the cure in her cyberkinetic hardware. She must be taken to Atlanta to deliver the cure. She is kidnapped by a crazy-eyed post apocalyptic pirate named Fender Tremolo. She is lucky enough to have Jean Claude come to the rescue and kick the living shit out of Fender and his gang as he is seeking vengeance against them after having murdered his family. Sounds pretty standard. It is.
But, what is primary? Asskickery and the corresponding aesthetic thereof. The final fight scene which occurs after Jean Claude has somehow managed to escape being crucified (literally, crucified...in the biblical sense) and is pissed, exemplifies what "Cyborg" is all about. The lighting has a sort of neon blue tint to it and every one is getting down to the showdown with dark shadows enveloping their faces. Very intense. We hear the epic cries of a Casio synthesizer as if it were channeling the power of Ares-the Greek God of war. It is windy and raining heavily. The Muscles from Brussels fires an arrow to the ground and we get a close up of the despicable band of abhorrent post apocalyptic pirates one by one. Fuck, the costume design for this flick is awesome. Chain mail, mullets, mohawks, capes. The villains look like late 80's video game characters. A roaring showdown ensues and it is epic. JCVD does what he does best- grunts a lot and kicks people in the face, and to inject morality into it all... these guys have it coming.
So, the plot might be tried and true, the acting sucks, and 90% of the narrative occurs in the form of awkward flashback sequences, Albert Pyun still manages to pull off what the audience wants out of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie with supreme stylistic command, and that is violence. Thus, if we can judge this movie based on its factor of exploitation, this factor does well and keeps you watching and entertained regardless of its lacking in other areas.
This sort of thing (the characteristics of exploitation films) is the back bone of Golan and Globus- two Israeli cousins who bought The Cannon Group in 1979 and, following in the foot steps of Roger Corman, decided to buy bad scripts, produce them, and ultimately make a profit. They produced movies, although often lacking in plot and characters, but with something to exploit with style whether it be breakdancing, Chuck Norris kicking people, Van Damme kicking people, Micheal Dudikov kicking people, or Charles Bronson seeking vengeance. Golan and Globus have produced everything from Breakin' 1 and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo to the Death Wish sequels. Thank you, Golan-Globus for you revived the exploitation ethic for the late Cold War era and fostered movies that could succeed without the traditional obstructions of plot, characters and overall screenwriting.
If you want to watch a great example of what Golan Globus productions were all about and to revel in the nostalgia of a beautifully executed late 80's sci-fi aesthetic as well as some adrenalin rousing asskickery, then "Cyborg" is the movie for you.
